自殺

（原發表於 2014 年 8 月 12 日，本人 facebook）

村上春樹的小說 Norwegian Wood 中，有一個在精神病療養院住了七年的人物的故事讓我特別感觸︰ 

Reiko 自小是音樂天才，她是學院裡的尖子，畢業後就要到德國進修，鋼琴就是她的整個生命。但有一日，剛好在重要的比賽臨近時，她的左手手指突然動不了，據診斷說是心理問題，大概是來自比賽的壓力，醫生告訴她她沒有作為演奏家的精神力量，還是放棄比較好。

"I had started playing when I was four and grew up thinking about the piano and nothing else. I never did housework so as not to injure my fingers. People paid attention to me for that one thing: my talent at the piano. Take the piano away from a girl who's grown up like that, and what's left? So then, snap! My mind became a complete jumble. Total darkness.

"It was as if my life had ended. Here I was in my early twenties and the best part of my life was over. Do you see how terrible that would be? I had such potential, then woke up one day and it had gone. No more applause, no one would make a big fuss over me, no one would tell me how wonderful I was ... I felt so miserable, I cried all the time. To think what I had missed!

"My parents walked around on tiptoe, afraid of hurting me. But I knew how disappointed they were. All of a sudden the daughter they had been so proud of was an ex-mental-patient. They couldn't even marry me off. When you're living with people, you sense what they're feeling, and I hated it. I was afraid to go out, afraid the neighbours were talking about me."

事情就是這樣的︰我們自小就會不斷努力爭取周圍的人對我們的愛和肯定，琴技、美貌、幽默、智識，那些讓我們自豪的特長，慢慢構成了我們人生的意義。但當你失去了你的美貌，你的幽默，或你的才華，你就會感到你喪失了所有價值，整個世界要不是在可憐你就是在嘲笑你，反正沒有人會喜歡你像個廢物般的一面。你感到你辜負了家人，你感到你是多餘的，你不再想見到任何人，你怕他們會談論你，但同時你又會因寂寞而徹夜不眠。最後，你會打算以自殺來結束你對自己的無比厭惡。

七年前，我有一個很要好的朋友自殺身亡，那年他十八歲，我十七歲，我完全無法理解為何身邊一個看似無憂無慮的人會突然自殺，也沒有其他人知道原因。

最後我花了七年時間來理解他。